Short Changed

by findgoose

You know, life doesn’t turn out as you want or expect it to, never will.  I’m exhausted as I write this so forgive me if it makes no sense. #insomnia.

The only thing constant is change (Heraclitus) and I suppose that’s true.  Everyone reacts differently to changes in life; family, jobs, moving to new places, love, loss, etc.  The more I dig into my rabbit hole of distress, fear and understanding, the more I understand that change doesn’t have to be, well change.  It can be growth.  It can be a learning experience, you can recover no matter what and you can get back to the things that really bring meaning to your life.  To love oneself is to continue to grow and want to grow as a person.

I’ve lost myself somewhere in the past couple years. What I said above about change not having to be change shouldn’t be taken literal – change is change.  But change doesn’t have to alter your path in life, change can alter how you see your path and how to grow as a person to make that path smoother, more easily navigated upon.  It takes understanding, forgiveness, compassion, and it takes learning that for yourself not expecting that of others.

I love Fox, I love her like I couldn’t love anybody else. She’ll always be the girl that I want to spend my whole life with, but we’ve crashed –   We had a ton of changes – a rogue wave that separated us and created a shipwreck. A force to be reckoned with.  One so damaging that I’m not sure that all the aforementioned tools above can fix.  It’s life, it’s change, it’s growth, it’s love, it’s sadness, it’s vulnerability, it’s just straight fucked up and unfortunate.  But with any shipwreck, you may not be able to put that same boat together, but you can make a dinghy, a starting point that can transport you back to the dock to rebuild your dream, it may take more time than you’d like because the sea, the water, the air is what is yearned for, but the boat you built could be better than the one you wrecked in the first place.  It can be stronger because you know where the weak areas are.

You may feel as if somehow the shipwreck was a lost cause, but perhaps it’s just a short change, perhaps we can build that dinghy, perhaps there’s no choice but to build our own.

I love you fox. I love you this life, the one before it and into the next. I hope we can face the world together again.

Face the world together

Face the world together




by findgoose

I Love you so much in the depths

My heart wept, while my head sweats

Im stressed.

Grey matter was hurt, throwing up methods

I knew just wouldn’t work.

I was Berzerk.

Heart ache to shake up the fake stuff, you make up the break up.

We’re burnt

Couldn’t hurt .

… To take to the other knee, engagement its breached.

Pathetic fees, for sure.

I took leave and cooked leaves breaking trust like fucked me’s.

I’m Free.

Or are we really we… another version of land locked love, loving what we love just because what we love is being “we”.

34 Weeks

by eltomboy

I thought I’d post my profile shot here. I grew 4 centimeters in 2 weeks. I can really feel it on the top of my belly, it burns! Having your skin stretch is one of the most uncomfortable feelings believe it or not haha! I guess I’m starting to get used to this pregnant feeling, but not for long, only 38 days left til my due date. WHAT?!!? Can we go back? Too late now, little one is getting BIG in my belly and I can’t wait for he/she to come on out and make an appearance! I think I’d rather have a baby in hand than in the belly, ha!




by eltomboy

This is for you:



Losing Track

by eltomboy

This picture is from when I was home in Chicago. I put it in this tacky heart frame specifically for my mama. She of course made it her cell phone background immediately haha I think I am 31 weeks here. I keep getting confused and think I’m farther along. Clearly I’m ready to be done with this whole pregnancy part! No one ever tells you how tough it is. It’s all about the “glow” or having doors opened for you, or seats given up for you, feeling beautiful in your new body, blah blah blah Let me just tell you, you’re glowing because you’re sweating, people look at me like I’m from an episode of 16 and pregnant, therefore I get disapproving glares instead of hospitality, and my oh my, I feel far from beautiful! I wish people would just talk straight about pregnancy and all of the ups and downs instead of glamorizing it. I just can’t wait for baby to be here already. I am falling more and more in love and keep having images in my head of what this little baby will look like. With the strength of each kick I feel our bond growing. So, as far as pregnancy goes, I’m not crazy about it, but the becoming a mama part and having a little human being made up of Tim and I is thrilling. heart belly

Baby Shower Time

by eltomboy

So, I came home to Chicago for my first ever baby shower. It’s such a funny thing to realize that you only get one of these and you have to make it special. My mom, aunt and cousin did an amazing job putting everything together and it turned out perfect. Close friends and family, lots of fun, catching up and all around love for the new little one that will be joining us in April, it was beautiful.

I love that people are in love with a baby that they don’t even know yet. They love he or she (I’m leaning towards “he” but we’ll see) because they love Tim and I. I forgot my camera like an idiot, but there were plenty of cell phone pics taken. Everyone keeps saying how small I am, but man do I feel big! I’ll post more soon! Oh, my favorite was Sophie who is 4 asking her mama what they were planning on washing me in haha A literal shower. Kids are hilarious!


What a Surprise!

by eltomboy

Yesterday Tim told me to dress warmly, we were going on a secret adventure. Long johns, thick socks, mittens, sweaters and we were out the door. We drove East out of Bozeman and then I had to close my eyes. We pulled off the highway and drove down somewhere, eyes still closed, paid some lady 14 dollars (I could still hear, but no clues were given) parked, and then I followed Tim. I still couldn’t see anything of significance, but went along and turned the corner in Jake and Maggie! Grizzly bears! What a surprise, we were at the Montana Grizzly Encounter. I had never even heard of it before and Tim had went in secret weeks before. Maggie and Jake were running around and playing, wrestling and climbing. I’m a big animal nut and I could have asked the guide a million questions, but did you know that only Mama bears and bears with no food hibernate? And that a bear pregnancy is only 3-4 months long and the cubs are 13 ounces-ish when born? And they can run 35 miles an hour? And if they eat human food once they will forever be ruined and never resort to their own food again? And there have only been 11 human deaths by a bear in the last century? I could go on and on, I thought it was fascinating! It was freezing cold so I only snapped a few pics with my icicle fingers. They are HUGE!

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7 Months!

by eltomboy

We’ve come a long way baby. Madison Valley, Montana after a day of fishing the Ruby River. Image


by eltomboy

I know, I know, terrible photo, but you can kinda see my 27 week belly and my finally fixed necklace!! It took me a billion years to fix it after I broke it myself, but I’m happy it’s back! Man, it’s hard to dress while pregnant. And I’m not even that big yet! Really pushing my creativity in the closet. Anyways, hopefully I find the time to post more now! Lots of updates 🙂Image

20.5 weeks

by eltomboy

Half way done people.

Can I just admit something, I always thought that the second you got pregnant, you instantly became huge. Not true my friends. I am officially 5 months pregnant and to the rest of the world, I just look like I ate a few too many hamburgers. However, a few too many burgers to me, is a big freaking difference. I have also never ever ever had body issues, ever and suddenly I’m realizing, Oh shit, I can’t wear that mini leather skirt or the whole big sweater sloppily tucked up look, (I’ll look equal parts trashy and frumpy) and Hey! my jeans no longer button, and my socks are digging into my swollen ankles, and I’ve gone up two cup sizes, TWO, (granted I started out as an A) I feel like my boobs make me look top heavy now, and why don’t my undies fit right? Dumb annoyances, that in the scheme of things don’t matter at all, but I just need to put it down somewhere. I know I’m not alone in this.

Also, I can with 100% certainty tell you I feel the baby move and kick everyday now. I remember a few weeks ago feeling the baby wiggle around and I’d say he/it/she was doing flip flops in there, but now, I feel jabs and kicks all the time. IT. IS. CRAZY. I am harvesting a baby alien and I love it.

The one thing I cannot stop thinking about incessantly is, what the baby looks like or will look like. We are going to be surprised if the baby is a boy or a girl, my dad’s one piece of advice was to let it cook it’s own way and to wait to find out the sex, so we are doing just that, but the anticipation is killer. Regardless of if it’s a boy or girl, I just can’t wait to see what features he/it/she will have.  Which leads me to the next thing…

People love to ask if we have a name picked out, and yes, there are quite a few hopping around in our heads, but I can honestly say that we will not know until we see the baby. That’s all there is to it. Plus, I very much like surprises and mystery, so I’ll definitely keep everyone waiting for as long as possible!

Sorry this picture is awful, just a quick one I snapped to send to Goose and my mama. belly 20 weeks

Wooo and I just got majorly kicked in the belly button, so I think it’s time for bed. Lights out!