You know, life doesn’t turn out as you want or expect it to, never will. I’m exhausted as I write this so forgive me if it makes no sense. #insomnia.
The only thing constant is change (Heraclitus) and I suppose that’s true. Everyone reacts differently to changes in life; family, jobs, moving to new places, love, loss, etc. The more I dig into my rabbit hole of distress, fear and understanding, the more I understand that change doesn’t have to be, well change. It can be growth. It can be a learning experience, you can recover no matter what and you can get back to the things that really bring meaning to your life. To love oneself is to continue to grow and want to grow as a person.
I’ve lost myself somewhere in the past couple years. What I said above about change not having to be change shouldn’t be taken literal – change is change. But change doesn’t have to alter your path in life, change can alter how you see your path and how to grow as a person to make that path smoother, more easily navigated upon. It takes understanding, forgiveness, compassion, and it takes learning that for yourself not expecting that of others.
I love Fox, I love her like I couldn’t love anybody else. She’ll always be the girl that I want to spend my whole life with, but we’ve crashed – We had a ton of changes – a rogue wave that separated us and created a shipwreck. A force to be reckoned with. One so damaging that I’m not sure that all the aforementioned tools above can fix. It’s life, it’s change, it’s growth, it’s love, it’s sadness, it’s vulnerability, it’s just straight fucked up and unfortunate. But with any shipwreck, you may not be able to put that same boat together, but you can make a dinghy, a starting point that can transport you back to the dock to rebuild your dream, it may take more time than you’d like because the sea, the water, the air is what is yearned for, but the boat you built could be better than the one you wrecked in the first place. It can be stronger because you know where the weak areas are.
You may feel as if somehow the shipwreck was a lost cause, but perhaps it’s just a short change, perhaps we can build that dinghy, perhaps there’s no choice but to build our own.
I love you fox. I love you this life, the one before it and into the next. I hope we can face the world together again.